Meet the 10 Types of ‘Lockdown’ South Africans. Which One Are You?

It’s day eleven seventy thousand, and the lockdown categories have changed. So a re-write is about as overdue as a presidential address, and your wax appointment… writes Kim Nicola Stephens (a Cape Town mom of three, and Sport & outdoor communication consultant).

Middle class South Africa in Lockdown Level Four can now be categorised as follows:

1. The Early Adapters

She trains daily from 7 to 8, outdoors on the designated roads within a 5km radius of home. She has her husband walk the dogs, with kids on bikes, from 8 to 9, during which time she showers, prepares banana flapjacks, puts a load of washing on and sets up the home schooling stations. Her kids get their school work done under her scrutiny between 9:30am and noon, while her husband is banished to the study to “save the god damn economy, you lazy bastard”. She does her own work, and checks global Covid-19 stats, after a delicious lunch featuring her home-grown veggies and herbs. She has the family packing food care parcels for the poor before evening boardgames and cocoa in the lounge. She has a secret stash of gin in her underwear drawer. Do not tell the lazy bastard! Self-sufficient as fuck, and voted least likely to contract Covid-19, or remain married during Level One.

2. The Antagonists

Never bothered a day in their lives about human rights or inequality, but now they can’t surf / paddle / swim / smoke / buy beer / get a pre-cooked woolies chicken / bring their domestic back to work so they are PISSED OFF AT THE GOVERNMENT. They are making placards and signing petitions, and inviting everyone to join their Facebook community groups. They look like chops whilst being chased on beaches in designer running kit, and they are trying to overthrow our esteemed leadership through yoga work outs on the boardwalk. They are calling the manager! They either need to read Long Walk to Freedom, or find a decent YouTube tutorial on making explosives. Instead they are adding glitter to their placards to “make it pop” at the protest. Fml.

3. The Denialists

They say things like “when it’s back to normal” a lot. They email the school twice a week to find out when their children will return, and they still can’t understand why sitting in a restaurant / picnicking on the beach / visiting an elderly family member / organising a play date isn’t allowed. They pay their gym memberships. They think masks are silly and that everyone is overreacting. Voted most likely to get Covid-19 and / or end up in jail. Stay the fuck at home, Susan.

4. The Conspiracy Theorists

They are multiplying. Everything is propaganda, all mainstream media is fake, the stats are wrong, they won’t get a fucking vaccine when China releases it, and Bill Gates is the devil. It doesn’t matter how the virus started, Curt, its fucking real and taking actual lives and that dumbass video isn’t helping anyone! Voted second most likely to get Covid-19 and will definitely end up in jail. Put your fucking mask back on, if only to shut you up, and watch some CNN.

5. The Capitalists

They don’t give a fuck how many people die, they just need to go back to work now. NOW! Calm down, Clive, put your grim reaper sickle away and find the middle ground.

6. The Ex-Philosophers

They have stopped telling us that Covid-19 came to save our souls and they are creating an emergency bunker at home, filled with freeze-dried meals and pineapple moonshine. Welcome to the party, Arnold. There are a couple of Facebook posts you might want to delete – they did not age well.

7. The Thugs

No one knows what they used to do for a living, but they are living their best lives now. Running delivery of cigarettes, illicit booze and professional hair colour packs throughout the burbs, they are the new McDonald Happy Meals. Everyone is loving them, and they are printing the kind of cash that SARS will never fucking see. If you see someone who can still afford a full Woolies trolley mid-month, hit them up for a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. The Suburban Thug Life is born.

8. The Opportunists

They live quite similarly to the suburban thugs, but this crew won’t go to jail. They flipped their factories upside down faster than Cele could fuck up our freedom. They are making masks and bottling hand sanitiser in their garages.They took their soccer mom SUVs and turned them in to delivery vehicles. They are running mask deliveries, veggie box drops, fresh eggs, fertilizer, fucking anything that Level Four allows, and some borderline stuff too. They had their permits laminated before Cyril had taken the mask off his eyes, and they are coming out of this shit storm THRIVING. Karen needs to take notes.

9. The Snitches

Guys, save your breath for something that MATTERS, like a garage selling hot pies in Level Four. If your neighbour can’t get inside their gate by 9am because their dog has wrapped its lead around a pole 20m from home, don’t call the flying squad. You also don’t need to know where Sally next door got the cigarette she is puffing on in her backyard, just because you saw that she said on Facebook that she had the last of her tobacco a week ago. You need to calm down, Angela, and just breathe. Fairly likely to get Covid-19 because someone is going to give it to them on purpose.

10. The “I Told You So” Wankers

Yeah you predicted this in 2007, I heard you. You also KNEW that the ANC had an agenda, the lockdown would basically never end and Eskom was in on this bullshit too. You wrote that, in your fucking diary. You have a bunker room, you built it in 2010. You told us that we would be punished for our extreme, hedonistic ways and NOW LOOK. You need to fuck off in to your bunker, bru. My ways were not hedonistic and your diary is the sort of thing that might happen if the SABC and Fox News had a kid.

Words by me, Kim Stephens. I don’t know what category I fall in to, or what is coming next. But I sincerely adore The Thugs.

This post republished on SAPeople with Kim Nicola Stephen’s kind permission. Follow Kim on Facebook for more brilliant posts like this.