The sexual abuse of boys and men that nobody is talking about

There is a very real but hidden issue that needs to be addressed. As uncomfortable as it is for everyone to think about and to accept, it is time to get serious about the sexual abuse of boys and men… writes Mia Ziervogel, Dossier.

There is no more time to ignore this, the silence around this has created monsters who walk free, and men living with trauma, unspoken, not dealt with by professionals. The affects this has on a society is unfathomable. Anger, PTSD, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts, depression, substance abuse even eating disorders stem from this trauma. If we want to save our country and our society, it is time we speak about this.

We spoke to Martin Pelders, who started a non profit organisation called MatrixMen in 2011.

Martin, thank you for chatting to Dossier about this complex issue. We were shocked to hear the statistics with regards to boys being abused. Can you give us an overview of what the situation is?

South Africa is fortunately one of the only countries, that I know of, where actual research has been done into the issue of sexually abused boys.

Back in 2006 researchers were trying to figure out why HIV AIDS was spreading so rapidly through South Africa. One of the researchers thought that it might have something to do with sexual abuse, so they went out and interviewed 226,000 children in 1,192 schools. The results were astounding.

• 44% of all boys had suffered sexual abuse by age 18.
• 41% of the perpetrators of the sexual abuse on boys were women.
• 27% were abused by both genders.
• 32% were abused by men.

I spoke to one of the researchers and asked him what he thought the most shocking part of the research was. He told me it was the fact that boys who were raped were four times more likely to perpetrate a rape. That should give society an insight into why rape and sexual abuse continue to escalate at such rapid rates in South Africa.

In 2016 another study was commissioned, for all the wrong reasons sadly (trying to disprove the previous study), but it came back with the result that 36.8% of all boys have suffered sexual abuse and 33.9% of all girls by age 16. What should strike one is that if more boys are being sexually abused every year, why is no one speaking about it?

You were abused as a boy, can you tell us what the result was and what manifested in your life due to this abuse?

I grew up in a home with a narcissistic mother, that lack of care and attention as a little child which made me vulnerable to predators and they certainly found me. I was sexually abused by three men and two women from the age of 5 to the age of 19. The results on my life were far reaching. I became a bottle-a-day alcoholic, I had low self esteem, I thought that, because the sexual abuse of boys was never spoken about, that I was a freak and the only one that this was happening to. It took me till the age of 45 to finally figure out that I wasn’t the only male victim of sexual abuse out there.

It is not common for men to talk about childhood abuse. I have only recently started to speak to male friends about this and have been astounded by how many had traumatic experiences. Is it the norm for men to not discuss what happened to them?

Men are trapped by the constructs that men don’t cry, men don’t talk about painfull issues and mostly, that men don’t talk about sexual abuse. There is the idea that this automatically make you gay. Sexual orientation confusion after abuse is normal. I was myself confused for the longest time. I got on really well with gay men so that part of the relationship I could identify with, but the intimacy was still not acceptable to me. I only worked that out at age 24.

Martin as a mother of two boys, I am very confused as to how a woman abuses a boy, and I think most mothers will not understand. What do women do to boys?

There are several ways. Forced penetration by making a child erect and then having their way with them. Performing oral sex. Raping him digitally (Fingers) or inserting foreign object into him. Remember it is illegal for an adult to perform sexual acts on a child younger than 16 years old.

When chatting to you before this interview, you mentioned that studies have been done with prisoners and how many of the male prisoners were abused as children. Can you explain further?

I have a friend that runs a prison ministry, and I spoke to him about how many of the men he counsels were abused and he simply responded “all of them”.

Dr Brin Hodgskiss did research into serial killers and when I asked him how many of the men were abused, he also responded “Why all of them of course!”

The biggest question is of course, do hurt people, hurt others? Do abused children become abusive adults?

A great question. So let me tell my story. I was sexually abused and raped, I didn’t go on to rape or sexually abuse any children or adults, but the opportunity was there. I was baby sitting with a friend and as a teenager, I had the idea of making the siblings perform a sexual act. Fortunately for me, my friend said, and I’ll never forget his words, “we don’t do that”. I had no previous frame of reference. The interesting factor in this conversation is that I later found out that my friend was also being raped by his mother.

We don’t exactly know how many victims of sexual abuse go on to rape children, they estimate about 7%. I still however maintain that all victims will go on to abuse others in different ways. I grew up to be a very angry and unhappy adult and I did take that out on my family. I am still dealing with the fallout in my daughter’s life as she struggles to come to terms with the “always angry” daddy. It’s fortunately a lot better now, I’m able to pour love into her life, but sadly I did damage her psychologically.

The problem seems so massive, where do we start?

The answer is, one step at a time. The start for me to have the platform to empower all survivors to be able to speak out, to be able to find easy access to safe support. If we can empower all survivors of sexual abuse, they will be more inclined to speak out, understanding that it was not their fault. When more survivors tell their stories, more victims will feel safe to tell theirs and finally we will get to a point where all children will be empowered enough to not let pedophiles shame them into silence, or even touch them for that matter.

Its also vital for parents to teach their children body safety.

What can a man do, who has been abused and want to remain anonymous? Is there a helpline for them?

I currently run a support group on a mental health app called Panda Mental health App, and the are creating safe spaces for people to come forward and not have to give their names until they feel strong enough and safe enough to do so. I am also exploring the use of Discord and Club House as spaces for men and women to speak out. Men are also welcome to email or what’s app me, I guarantee their anonymity and promise that it is a safe space. I’ve been doing this now for 14 years and have a long list of testimonials of men and women that I’ve supported over that time. There are other resources available like 1in6.org and malesurvivor.org

What does your organisation, MatrixMen do?

MatrixMen raises awareness about the fact that so many boys are victims of sexual abuse. We provide information and support to families and survivors. We are also starting a program to talk to school kids and provide them with information. There are literally thousands, actually millions of men who have been abused sexually by care givers, sisters, aunt, uncles, fathers etc, yet we still feel like we are the only ones. It’s important to get the truth out there, and that is a part of our major focus.

One of my greatest desires is to start a men’s only support line for men for those are suffering depression, are suicidal or are having relationship issues. A line staffed by men for men.

What can the public do to support MatrixMen?

We struggle to get funding as all the funding models from government to private CSI are all focused on women. It’s a weird situation. If men are the ones hurting women, as we are led to believe, then why are we not fixing the men so that they don’t hurt women, why are we fixing the women after they’ve been hurt? We’ve got it all wrong. So financial support is one option.
The other way people can support us is via Social Media and disseminating the truth about male victims of sexual abuse. We need to start telling the true story behind this scourge, or society will continue to ignore male victims and persist in painting the men as the only abusers and rapists.

Dossier Ed note: We tried to keep this story as concise and short as possible, to inform and spread the message. It is obviously a very complex issue, we want to start the conversation, and give men or boys are safe place to start their journeys to talk about their abuse.

Contact Martin at matrixmen.org

This article by MIA ZIERVOGEL first appeared on DOSSIER, and is republished here with Mia’s kind permission.