I just got stopped by a traffic cop on the way back from a round to the Pick ‘n Pay and the bottle store.

He jumped out from behind a Stop Street (at which I did not stop) causing me to slow down from an over-the-speed-limit-speed and waved me down, causing me to break suddenly, revealing a broken tail-light. I almost spilt my drink. Busted. Bastard.

I open the door to speak to him (the window doesn’t work).

‘Guilty as charged,” I say. “Not only am I not wearing a seat belt, I didn’t stop at the stop street, I was speeding and the tail light does not work.”

A second’s silence.

“Wow, said the Cop.” Taken aback by the admission. “You are confessing immediately.”

“Yes.” I said. “Not only that, I am drinking while I am driving,” I said, showing him my Smirnoff Spin.

The Cop, who clearly identifies as gay, laughed and said:

“I don’t know what to do with you, you are clearly such a diva.”

So I said I know what we should do. I would show him my ‘license’ (picture attached)

I think he would’ve accepted the license without the R100 because he felt I out-diva’d him.

“Sorry, Officer. I won’t do it again. Actually, I am likely to do it again. Sorry.”

He laughs and closes the door.

And that was the end of that.

I enjoyed that bribe. There are many memorable ones

I do it often.

Come on?! Cops can do with the extra money.

Look at it like this:

Traffic fines are – for a large part- victimless crimes. Who am I harming by not wearing a safety belt? Myself? Too bad for me.

Also, by engaging with the law enforcement officer, you are eliminating a lot of red tape. The Cop now gets a R100 directly, whereas if he fined me R100, the government would take half, the Red Tape would get most of the rest, the Cop would get 1c at the end of the day and everyone is unhappy.

Also, bribes are easier and cheaper than paying the fine, which is often 5 X more. It makes economic sense, for both parties.

The way I bribe cops, it is a consensual arrangement. Both agree to the terms and the consequences. The Cop gets the whole amount, I agree to ‘behave’ better. Most of the time, I actually do and everyone is happy and better behaved. This is consensual adult, civically conscious behaviour without tyrannical government and unnecessary government spending or intervention.

Do it, my friends. Bribe a Cop for your Country! Do it often. Do it to make someone’s Christmas more special.

Don’t look at me like that?

It’s a lifestyle choice.

F**k off.

All photos and text © Viv Vermaak, and republished here with her kind permission. This article first appeared on Viv’s blog – Food for Thought with Viv – read it here. 

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