MUST READ Cleaned Up Version of the ‘Checkers and the Steak’ Viral Post

Last night there was a rant by Trevor van Zijl in KwaZulu-Natal – about a piece of meat – that went viral. Thousands of people on SAPeople’s Facebook page loved the post, liked it, shared it and thanked Trevor for the laugh. (Read it below.)

However there was a handful of people who complained because of a couple of insinuations he made which they felt went too far. Although most of the people he was teasing said they found it funny and tongue-in-cheek, SAPeople removed the post and Trevor has very kindly agreed to rewrite it so everyone can read it and enjoy it in the manner to which he intended it – with good humour (please note – there may still be some language that offends some!). And please see the update at the end as well!!!

Checkers & the Steak – by Trevor van Zijl

You see this steak? Checkers, along with Gordon Ramsay & Nataniel reckon this cut of meat is going to change your life…

Well, I’m happy to report it will. It will give you a debilitating, aggressive bout of spuitpoep that will cleanse your colon of all impurities dating 7 generations back.

You will shit your lungs out. You will chunder so hard it will bring back memories of Sambuca-fuelled weekends at Tiger Tiger dancing to Johnny Clegg & Ladysmith Black Mambazo on the Bump 16 CD.

You will kak your broeks because this succulent piece of miff steak smells like the inside of a dead hobo’s underpants. After walking the Pavilion for seven hours and carefully selecting this prime piece of meat from Checkers, I had my sense of smell destroyed when I cut open the packaging at home.

I was greeted with the overwhelming smell of a rotting animal corpse, combined with 3-month-old damp washing and mank rugby socks. I became weak at the knees & almost lost one eye-brow as I nearly passed out, threw up in my mouth and collapsed into my nearly-lit braai.

The dogs ran for cover, the neighbours called the cops & my wife almost divorced me. We got married a week ago.

“Well just return it” I hear you say. Yes Frank, you ignorant Sasquatch. Of course I could jump into my diesel-guzzling monster truck, pay R9 parking and then waste 45 mins of my life arguing with the store manager and her name-badge so I can save myself a whopping R40.

I’d rather pay R700/kg at Woolworths and pick up another R5,000 in yoghurt-nut bars and seaweed balls in the ‘aisle of temptation’ than wait at the deli section at Checkers so I can be ignored.

I’m 36-years-old. I’ve been through enough sh*t in my life.

Can we get some service please? This meat expires Wednesday, 22 August 2018.

***

UPDATE – Trevor has indeed received some service. He told SAPeople this morning: “I am happy to report that Checkers head office made contact and offered their apologies. I was happy with that. They offered me a hamper and although I initially accepted it, I have declined their very generous offer.”